An Un-Told Story

I wanted to share a story with all of you, that I had not shared yet. It is both a sad and heartwarming story in the same breath.  OUR FIRST MEAL OUT.

Three’s day’s after Wylder passed away Steven and I had our first meal out in public.  It was not a date, or a romantic time … just us, going through the motions and needing to get out of the house.  Now mind you, Steven and I spent all our hours with our littles and dates were a thing of the past.  So the last times we had been out to dinner were with our Wylder, which was when he was 2-ish and younger(as we liked to stick close to home after that).  So it had a been a while, and we were very raw that day.

We went for Mexican food right up the street, I was wearing sweats.  As we walked though the restaurant to take our seats we felt anxious, un-normal and broken … but we were together, in a safe place and we would make it quick, we thought.  So we sat, opened the menu’s and noticed a nice looking gal that worked at the restaurant that kept glancing our way.  She finally brought her friendly face to our table and said … “didn’t you two used to bring that beautiful little boy of yours in here”.  Bless her heart, bless her sweetest little heart.  I immediately shoved my hand up into the air, turned my head down and went into the UNGLY cry … the poor, kind, beautiful nice lady could think of nothing else to say … And yelled out the word FUCK!  Then she began to hug me as Steven gave her the news.  Once I pulled myself together I was awestruck.  Really, absolutely awestruck.  She was touched by our Warrior.  Having only brought him into Jalapenos less than a handful of times in his life, he made an impact.  She had no idea he was sick, and still she was touched by his beautiful spirit.  I realized how much it meant to me that she would remember him, and have noticed him!  I thanked her and I still thank her so much.  That is really what it is about.

Wylder always had the gift of touching people/strangers and tugging on their heart strings.  Even when he was just born … people would recognize and tell us there was something extra special about him and his cuteness was of course over the top recognizable!!  No one, not one person ever asked us in public … is he sick?  what wrong?  Nothing of the sort came out of anyone’s mouth, and I have to say, I am grateful for that.  He was truly only recognized for his contagious cuteness.  One gal he even asked him if he wanted a soda when were cruising around (ha ha) :)

(wylder 7 mo old)

I wanted to share this story with all of you today because this now happens to me frequently.  What many of you (THE GREAT SUPPORTERS EVER), don’t know … is that I did not share with many, that my littlest was sick.  I know that sounds so strange, as I am so open on this blog.  But this blog is a safe zone for me.  I am behind a computer.  I am sharing Wylder’s story the way I see it.  I felt comforted to communicate with all of you, for the support, to raise awareness, and so that when I would see many of you in public it would be “normal” for Wylder … rather than the catch up on how he was doing (you already new from the blog).  You could just shower him with with love.   What I was not comfortable with was sharing Wylder’s sickness in public in front of him.  I did not want to cry or have others cry or wollow at him.  I new, that he new what he needed too know …even though that was ever changing.  And I would tell him things as a three year old should hear them, so as not to feel scared …. but not in public with big words and eyes filled with tears.  I wanted Wylder to only feel extra loved and people to see him as him.

So now, I am sharing.  I am sharing that he was sick and that he has passed with strangers, that really are not strangers.  Does make since?  So the people at the grocery story, the bookstore, the Starbucks etc.  Today I told starbucks ladies, because they asked me, “how’s your little boy” … “we haven’t seen him in so long”.  Even-though I feel so vulnerable to share and break down in front of them …  I have no regrets about doing this part the way I chose too … but it does make for some difficult and sad conversations.  I feel happy that they loved on him, ask about him, because of his intrestic spirit … not because he was sick.  Now, I feel happy to share with them so they can join and support Wylder Nation and NPA disease awareness. As much as Wylder is with me and gives me strength everyday … I have moments in my day, EVERYDAY, that are so impossibly hard and heartwarming in the same breath.  I feel so blessed that he has touched and continues to touch new and old friends everyday.  xxoo

(wylder 3 years old)

Comments

  1. Shannon, I think of you and Steven everyday and pray for your comfort and strength. I’m glad that the blog has become your “Warrior Sanctuary”…..we will always be here for you. I remember the day I clicked on Mr. Littles’ blog from Kaitlyn’s blog…..there was something so incredibly captivating about his precious face and after reading that first post, I was completely in love with him and your family…..everything happens for a reason, and I realized as I followed and joined, in my own way, in his journey, he crossed my path to help me learn and be a better mother and person as well….for that I will be ever grateful for his lessons and love. xoxox He’s my hero!

  2. Thinking of you and Steven. Sending love from Texas!

  3. Shannon that was and is very beautiful words… I can so relate to it too about Riley, These babies are very special one of a kind and will always be that way… I miss baby wlyder very much and i know he is having a wonderful time in heaven with all the little angels… You are an amazing person and Mama.. we are very greatful to know you and have you as are family.. much love to yall xoxoxo

  4. oh Shannon, shannon. this broke my heart about your crying at dinner, for you to be so broken to do that in public shows just a glimmer of the pain of losing a child and I am so sorry that you lost your perfect, beautiful son. of course people still ask about him, he was so contagious and precious, he has left a lasting impression on all our lives forever.

  5. Cathy Johnson says:

    Oh lovely Shannon – my heart breaks for you. We truly are not meant to outlive our children. I am glad, though, that you are able to grieve in all of the ways that you need to. Sometimes we can hold it together and calmly tell the story and sometimes the ugly cry is all we have to give. I know I say it over and over, but it is very hard to find the words to tell all of you incredible families how important the lessons your amazing littles have taught are. These precious babies have changed my life and that of so many others. What an honor to be a part of the Warrior Sanctuary and to share all of your journeys. For without the voices of their mommas, none of us would have had the chance to hear their messages. Thank you!

  6. Shannon, Your story makes perfect sense. I did the same thing, minus the blog. Now, 10 months later I am still asked about Dan. And depending upon the person who is asking and the circumstances, I still cry. All our children had a way of touching others, and that touch means the world. Hugs and shared tears.

  7. Alice Daxon says:

    Just love the picture of Wylder at 7 months…he is adorable all in white!!

    I think about you all every day and am so grateful for all I’ve learned from you & your Warrior. My disabled son (costello syndrome) is 39 yrs. of age, and I am not letting a moment go by wasted…lots of laughing & loving for whatever time is left. Thank you so much.

    Alice XXX

  8. I cannot even begin to imagine the pain you have gone through and are continuing to go through… You are incredibly strong and I hope that if ever I am faced with this kind of tragedy, I will have even an ounce of the strength you have. Your little boy has touched my life for the better. His life was short but he left his mark in the world and will always be remembered!! I continue to think of you and your family often.

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