As I begin to go through the mourning process these last 7 weeks, I have come to realize there is not enough information or truth out there about the reality of mourning. Although there are stages of grief, and everyone’s mourns very differently …. what is not explain is how deeply saddened you really are (your whole body), how much energy is sucks out of you, how both good days and bad come with a tremendous amount of anxiety, and how re-finding your own purpose/place in the day to day world is beyond difficult. All of Wylder’s clothes are still folded in his drawers, his wishing tree notes are flying high and his bed sheets are cleaned. My days were so full before …. full of love, full of duties and full of snuggles. Now, although I still feel and talk to my Wylder … my days are SO different and so empty … even the purposeful ones. Some days I have to worm myself out of bed at 10 am as I don’t sleep well at night, and decide what I am up to tackling … and other days I am bursting with energy to MAKE A DIFFERENCE in this world! I run errands, cook dinner, try and make a schedule for myself that makes since … except nothing makes since.
Making my life matter, feels like the only sensible thing for me do right now. I have pictures of Wylder everywhere; all over our home, on my car vizer, on my mirror when I get ready in the morning. He is giving me strength. I making a plan so as to pay it forward while artistically continuing to portray wylder’s lessons and making a difference in the NPA and medical world for others. I am currently working on another website with a new logo that incorporates the WN logo. A place where I plan to sell Wylder goodies; more books filled with Warrior lessons, stationary, plush toys and with every purchase … we will be giving back to what matters most to me in this world (Wylder’s research fund and helping lots of kids). We are learning and speaking with your recommended lawyers friends to learn about non-profit organizations and expanding on our Wylder Nation community too.
Some days I do nothing. i will try and do something and realize at the end of the day I have accomplished nothing. My brain is like putty on those days. You know how some times you just long for a do nothing day. A lay and be still, football watching, no to do list day? Well, if you are anything like I am … at the end of those days that you snag from time to time, you actually end up feeling worthless … anxious and yucky … even though it is all you had thought you had wanted and needed. Well that is sort of what I keep in mind with my worm-like days. If I do nothing, I will actually feel worse at the end of the day. So I am trying to live each day with great purpose, even though it is so tremendously hard and I am lacking energy.
Recently I have really come to realize that Wylder brought out my creative juices again. It is as though he channeled through me in some ways. Towards the end of Wylder’s life I would spread out art books and sketch and draw and write. I would spread out all over the Master bedroom floor and create, with him sleeping just above me in his bed. I would draw, talk to him, we would play music. I would pop up of the floor to show him a creation and he just might open those sweet eyes to take a peek … giving me his approval. So I have been pulling out these sketches and creating more. Thinking and being grateful for all he teaches me and how he has made me and others better people. WOW, Wylder is amazing!
Also, I owe some long over do thank you’s. Thank you for purchasing Wylder’s book. Every-time one sells I get a little knot of excitement in my gut that someone will be sharing Wylder’s journey and his lessons … and that it may just help someone else a tiny bit in their life. As I handed a stack of books to a man at a store the other day to display on his shelf, I shook his hand and said welcome to Wylder Nation …. he said, I am proud to be a part. It felt so good, I literally had goosebumps. Another thank you. Thank you to all of you who got and plan to get pre genetically tested for NPA. SIX of you in just 2 weeks, WOW! It means so much to us, and will make a difference against this terrible disease (along with Wylder’s research fund in the future). And for the letters, emails, text messages etc. Thank you. Thank you for helping us through an impossible time in our lives and lifting our spirits daily. We started this blog one year after Wylder was diagnosed with NPA. It was not something we took lightly or did overnight …. but oh my am I glad we did. The support and love overflows and gives us strength and power! We are so proud to have Wylder Nation behind us that continues to persevere.
I don’t know that I am conveying all I want to with these blogs lately. I know I have a lot more to say and will continue to post here … but I have a wicked case of the marshmellow brain. Hope they are making at least a tiny bit of since. Clarity coming soon, I hope. xxoo