I am going to Nantucket. WOW, just to say it … just to type it … feels so amazing. Anyone who knows me in just the slightest of ways knows this is a place very dear to my heart. I have only been there one time (for a vacation after college with my mom) .. and I never wanted to leave. It is a very small island off the coast of Massachusetts where only about 10,000 live people year around, and gets about 50,000 vistitors for the beautiful summer weather and festivals. I always imagined living there with my family at some point in my life. It is an old whaling town (much like lahaina HI) and the entire island stretches only 14 miles long and 3-6 miles deep. The whales are there in the fall and the living there is simple. It is charming. Everyone rides bikes and waves to one another. The roads are lines with bed and breakfasts, charming storefronts, climbing flowers and rest on old cobblestone roads … it is beach life with a twist of country living at it’s best. Simply magical.
My plans are to go there for an extended stay. Although every day of our lives now hold some level of happiness and a great deal of sorrow … I have been having a lot of anxiety about this upcoming fall season. Between Thanksgiving and Christmas to be exact. My favorite time of year, but this year will be so different. So difficult. I want to do something uplifting and different, because just going through the motions does always feel right. So I am going to the island for just under a month and will be home for Christmas with my hubby. We are hopeful Steven will be able to make it out for some of the trip (at least a week) … but time will tell on how that plays out with happenings here at home. I got a small apartment at the Wharf in town and will need no car (the grocery is 2 blocks away). I have also already meet very nice people on the phone, just in my hunt for a place. I look forward to exploring and meeting new friends of all ages.
Why? The BIG question is why am I doing this? When you grieve, whatever that looks like to each individual person, you learn something and feel everything. And what makes me feel best these days is doing things to honor Wylder and share is story, to help others, and to follow my heart. I want to be able to look up to the sky and say to Wylder …. thank you buddy, at the age of 31 I did something on my bucket list because I learned from YOU. I learned life is short, and I will be doing something scary, fun, dreamy because you taught me to do it today. You taught me it doesn’t always have to work it out on a piece of paper and everything doesn’t have to be pure logic. Your taught me to live and love TODAY. I am going to tucket to cry. To laugh. To clear my head. It is not like to me not to be able to think straight or make decisions, so I hope I come back a bit more “me”-like. I am going to breath. I feel suffocated … I need that fresh salt water air. I am going to get away from our home for a bit. I love it here and it is hard here. I am going to sleep. To draw. To walk. To write. To feel sand in my toes. To miss something so much and to feel so broken is hard, even on good days. This will not fix that … but I believe it will help. It I believe if you do what is in your heart … the rest will follow.
This was not a decision our family came to lightly. It was a lot of vacillating. We have had many discussions about moving, staying, maui, tucket etc. The bottom line in we are going to stay here in AZ long term (at least that is the plan to date.). We have built a nice life for ourselves here, we can make a difference in our community here, and we have incredible family, friends and memories surrounding us here. Steven has worked very hard to provide for our family these last three years and we do love our home, that is filled with so many memories. That being said, the day by day and my grief here is hard, in our home everyday. I was quite happy to hear from our therapist this is normal to feel this way, to want to escape (especially for women). I know it is difficult for Steven to completely understand, but he is supportive and I know he will love tucket as much as I do and will breath that salt water air and just know it just what the doctor ordered. Even if it is freezing in the winter.
I have been doing a lot of research about things to do in tucket in december. I am most excited for the Christmas stroll. They bring mr and mrs clause in by coast guard and they climb into a horse and carriage and ride up main street to light the main Christmas tree. Everything is decorated for Christmas to the nines, children sing carols and the shops offer warm cider as your stroll by. My love for Christmas and it’s spirit will grow I am sure. There are coffee boat rides to see the seals and even some ice cold fishing if you can brave it. There is even a day where they are lining the streets with non profit organizations, having raffles and to give back. I hope to have a Warrior baby stand their that day (i know you new I would say that) .
I am excited to be sharing this with all of you. I hope it will be a reminder to live out your dreams and learn from your loved ones here and departed. Wylder, thank you … we love and miss you daily … and feel your spirit with us. Signing off todays blog with a poem from nantucket. Much love to you all. xoxo
There once was a man from Nantucket
Who kept all his cash in a bucket.
But his daughter, named Nan,Ran away with a man
And as for the bucket, Nantucket.